The truth is, I’ve lost direction. With this blog, with my life, with it all. As much as everyone is tired of hearing about it, my MS has turned my life upside down. I have yet to rise above it, to embrace it, to feel empowered by it. The truth is, it makes me feel weak, fearful and unhopeful for my future. As much as everyone thinks I “look good”, I feel terrible every day. I walk around each day with symptoms that remind me that this disease exists and isn’t going away.
I don’t sleep. The numbness/nerve pain in my arms and cramps in my legs wake me up multiple times throughout the night. I stumble over my words or can’t find the word I am trying to say because my brain is so foggy all the time. My hands tremor and I can barely hold onto things somedays. The exhaustion makes it so hard to make it to the gym or even do the daily things around the house I should be doing. And don’t even get me started on my eyes. This disease started with me temporarily going blind in my right eye and every day since has been ongoing battle with properly functioning eyes. This is something my doctor tells me I will struggle with for the rest of my life.
I created this blog to show everyone that I could rise above this diagnosis and live a healthier life. That this disease would empower me to be the best version of myself. And it did. For a while. I went paleo and was exercising regularly. I lost a little weight and was feeling really good. Then I relapsed again. Clearly my body didn’t care how healthy I was being, it was going to continue attacking me regardless. So what was the point? I had to start a new medication that wiped out half of my immune system, leaving me more defenseless to infections. Bring on more eye infections, respiratory infections and UTI’s along with all my MS symptoms. Complete, utter exhaustion every single day. I feel like somedays it is a fight to even get out of bed.
The reality is I still drink, eat fast food, and skip my workouts sometimes. I try to be as paleo as possible, but I often fall short. My anxiety has been through the roof and my depression has been out of check for far too long. I don’t want to live this way. I do want to be healthier and better, but it can be challenging.
Not exactly the most uplifting material to put into a blog that is supposed to help encourage others that they can live a healthier life too. I have stopped and started at least four different blog posts. Each with a positive, inspirational message. But the problem was I didn’t believe what I was writing. I was writing to inspire others but thought it was all lies. This blog was supposed to help others but also be therapeutic for me. I was so focused on what would be beneficial for everyone and what people wanted to read, that I wasn’t even thinking about what would be beneficial for me. So I quit writing.
I want this is be a space of authenticity, no matter how ugly the truth may be. I want this to be a space where people can benefit from it AND I find a little bit of healing. I want to be able to show you all how hard and brutal this journey is for me but that hopefully someday things will get easier. I want you all to know that I am nowhere near perfect and I am not always that strong, courageous girl you all think I am. I have so much anger, fear, sadness, guilt, and bitterness built up in me that sometimes it consumes me. That is why I have decided to go back to therapy and look to functional medicine. I have realized that I do not need to just heal physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.
So here is to redirection in life. To deciding not to be consumed by that anger, sadness and fear every day of my life. To understanding I am most likely going to have more bad days than good days at this time. To listening to my body and knowing when I need to slow down and take a break. To pursuing happiness and to learning how to love myself again. To not being perfect and to pretending like I have it at together.
I am taking a new direction with my life and so will this blog. I will write straight from the heart and be as genuine as possible. It might not be pretty or ideal, but it will be unapologetically me. I can’t wait to take you all on this journey and to show you the raw side of having MS. I have said many times that this disease does not define me, but it is a huge part of me now. It is a chronic condition that I will have chronic problems with for the rest of my life. Please be patient with me as I navigate how to cope with this and how to manage this disease. Many changes will be happening over the next few months and although it is scary, I am excited for some change. I desperately need some change. So stay tuned and strap in, it’s going to be a bumpy ride.