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6 Things I Have Learned From Going to Therapy

6 Things I Have Learned From Going to Therapy

A Leap Of Faith

A Leap Of Faith

A Season of Change

A Season of Change

I Relapsed…..Again

March 24, 2019      mirandaehrich


I have been struggling to find the right words to say regarding this last relapse. I have been angry, sad, anxious, and disappointed that this happened again so soon after my initial diagnosis. When I was diagnosed 10 months ago, my doctor didn’t anticipate me having another episode for another couple of years, so you can understand why I was blindsided (no pun intended) when my vision started going out in my left eye.

           This optic neuritis episode was a little different than my first one and not nearly as bad. This episode began with pain in my eye for about a week and then led to my vision getting blurry. The morning that I woke up to noticed my vision wasn’t normal, I literally sat on my bathroom floor and cried for about 30 minutes. I was so pissed that this was happening and even more pissed that I had no control over it. Clearly what I was currently doing, diet and lifestyle changes, was not working. I felt like a failure. Sitting around crying about it wasn’t going to fix anything though. So I picked my hot mess self off the floor and called my doctor. This always seems to happen on a Friday, therefore I had to wait until Monday to see him. It was either that or go to the ER, and no thank you. I don’t need that kind of bill in my life right now. Friday night was my first night of 5 that I was supposed to work due to a scheduled trip to Colorado the following week. The thing is with hospitals careers is if you call off on a weekend, you are automatically put on the next weekend. Although I was relapsing, I still had full intentions on going to Colorado with everything already paid for. That being said, I had to suck it up and at least make it through a couple nights of work.

           I was started on steroids again after seeing the doctor. This time around, they definitely messed with my stomach a lot more. I don’t know if it was the high altitude in Colorado or my body just completely exhausted from night shift, but I was so nauseous, light headed, and tired after starting my medication. But I got through it and it helped tremendously with my eye pain. Almost a month after my initial symptoms, my eyesight is almost back to normal.

           With this relapse, came new symptoms. I started to have tremors in my hands, my eye twitches (quite frequently actually), and I have been experiencing the dreaded insomnia that is common with MS patients. The tremors come and go, but when they are there, they are so incredibly annoying. My symptoms are more prevalent when I am under stress. Specifically when I am at work or working out. Two important times when I need my hands to be working properly. Then my sleep schedule is already out of whack due to being night shift nurse, but sometimes on my off days my insomnia is so bad that I only get 4-5 hours of sleep. So I am left with a permanent feeling of being exhausted all of the time.

           I do not share all of this to receive pity from others. I do this to bring awareness to this disease and for others to understand what is happening to me. Sometimes I am too tired to leave my bed, so I have to cancel plans. Sometimes my anxiety gets the best of me, and I don’t answer my phone for days. This is my new reality. This is the new me.

           The relapse, like I mentioned earlier, told me what I am currently doing is not working. It terrifies me that my MS is advancing this quickly and it is terrifying to think what my future may hold. I could end up in a wheelchair. I might not be able to work, or run, or hike, or travel or do things I currently can. This type of future gives me so much anxiety that I can barely breathe sometimes. After a long discussion with my MS team, I will be starting infusion therapy. It is a type of therapy that will kill off the majority of my B cells, in hope that my immune system will quit attacking me. In other words, it will be suppressing my immune system, putting me at a higher risk for infections and catching illnesses. But hey, at least my own body won’t be working against me right?  

           People try to tell me to see the positives, to see the silver living. And although I want to smack people in the face that say things like this disease is a “blessing in disguise” or that this was “God’s plan”, I can’t help but think that this disease helped open my eyes to a whole new world of health. I considered myself a healthy person growing up, but boy was I far from it. I have learned what my body needs to not only survive, but heal as well. I am more in tune with my body than I have ever been in my entire life. I know what foods trigger symptoms, I know what foods help my symptoms. I am so incredibly nervous to start infusion therapy, but I am happy to know I at least have food on my side.

           I don’t want this and I never asked for this, but somehow, someway I will make the best of it. I will put my health first. I will remind myself of all things that I have overcome, and that this is just another thing that is building me into the person I am meant to be. I will tell myself that maybe (just maybe) my story will help others. Maybe it will encourage others to put their health first. Maybe it will help others struggling with MS. Maybe it will give people hope. This disease has truly shown me how short my life can be and how much we take for granted the bodies we were given. Don’t make the mistake I did, and actually cherish your body.

           My autoimmune disease may make my body “imperfect” but I will take the good days when I can. Today I woke up after sleeping 8 hours, no tremors, vision a little bit better than yesterday, and feeling hopeful for the future. I will overcome this.

XOXO

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Miranda Ehrich

Miranda Ehrich

"For what it's worth: It's never too late to be whoever you want to be.

I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over."

-F. Scott Fitzgerald

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2 years. It has officially been 2 years since my l 2 years. It has officially been 2 years since my last relapse. 2 years of fighting for myself, of advocating for myself, of struggling, of growing and learning. 2 whole years. 

I use to live every single day in fear. I feared the unknown, of what this disease could do to me. I feared for my future, a future that I was still grieving for, a future that could be ripped away from me in a blink of an eye. I feared the prognosis my doctors gave me. I feared the unpredictability of that prognosis. I feared so much and it crippled me. This disease crippled me. 

Many that are close to me know that this hasn’t been an easy journey for me. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I became severely depressed after my diagnosis and my anxiety raged out of control. It has taken me 15 months to dig myself out of that hole. A hole that was so dark, that I honestly thought I would never see the light again. 

I have been finally starting to feel like myself again and it’s been a breath of fresh air to not be crippled by fear all the time. I have worked so so so so hard to get here. My body is in the best shape it’s been in since high school. I am working on healing from past traumas. I am more independent and self-sufficient than I have been in my entire life. I am me again. The new me. 

I look forward to continuing to grow, heal and become a better version of myself. I have hated my body for being so “weak” and I have finally accepted that my MS is just another part of what makes me, me. I can finally look in the mirror and genuinely say I love who I am. As always, thank you all for your continued support as I navigate these tough waters and thank you to those who never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. You know who you are. 💕
I want a love that’s crazy, yeah I want it bad. I want a love that’s crazy, yeah I want it bad. 🎶 🖤
He may be in different colors this year but still He may be in different colors this year but still gotta support my man. LFG 🏈
Women. We can be both soft and powerful at the sam Women. We can be both soft and powerful at the same time. 💕
The best people in life are free. 💕 The best people in life are free. 💕
✨Just having ourselves a magical day. ✨ ✨Just having ourselves a magical day. ✨
Just in case anyone needed a reminder. 😘 Just in case anyone needed a reminder. 😘
Would like to share in my excitement because I can Would like to share in my excitement because I can FINALLY do a headstand. I had started this journey a year ago and gave up after a month of feeling like I wasn’t going anywhere. Well after my workout the other day I thought to myself “I wonder if I can do a headstand now” and I did it on the first try. 😳

I have been working my butt off to get back into shape again and this is a HUGE win for me. Just shows me that what I am doing is actually working. Can’t wait to see what yoga pose I conquer next. 💪🏻
As I reflect on this past year, I am left with a s As I reflect on this past year, I am left with a sort of heaviness and lightness at the same time. This year has brought me to my knees in so many ways but I also haven’t felt this free in a long time. I shed a lot of tears and have laughed until I couldn’t breathe. It was a year of many highs and many lows. 

My chaos started when I had to step away from travel nursing due to covid. It was a hard decision but the right one. I then walked away from the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. And even though we are still amicable with one another now, losing my best friend of 6 and a half years was a difficult adjustment. I intended on just visiting my sister before returning to travel nursing but they convinced to stay in Florida permanently. Best decision of 2020. Moving 1,000 miles across the country spontaneously brought up many challenges and hardships though.

In these many changes, I decided to take a step away from nursing all together. I do miss the NICU but bedside nursing was taking a toll on my mental and physical health. I might eventually return to nursing but for now I am enjoying a change of scenery. 

It was also a year of more bad news from my doctors. Just another reminder that my body is constantly working against me and everything I do, can impact a “normal” future. I also got sick with COVID. And even though I had a more mild form (I am EXTREMELY fortunate), it still took me a few weeks to get back to baseline. 

I look back on this past year with a full heart because I survived. I survived one of the hardest years I have ever lived. I went through many major life changes and still was able to find genuine happiness. 

Last year I started coming up with a word of the year to inspire and motivate me. For 2021, I have chosen GROWTH. I want this to be a year I continue to grow mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. I want to put myself first and really find what drives me and makes me happy. And most of all, I want to fall in love with myself again because I have spent many years hating who I am and have been searching for love in all the wrong places.

So peace out 2020, you will not be missed. ✌🏻
Merry Christmas from my 2 favorite humans and myse Merry Christmas from my 2 favorite humans and myself. Hope everyone had a wonderful and enjoyable day. 💕

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